As you may have noticed, I haven't been posting as much, or very regularly lately.
Some of that has been due to health issues. I suffer from something called pernicious anemia, which causes my B12 and iron to drop. Over the past couple of years I have been very bad about keeping up with my levels, and I let them crash to rock bottom.
The result was debilitating. There were days that just walking up the stairs was painful, and finding enough energy to get out of bed was almost impossible.
Instead of putting my focus on healing myself, I began beating myself up for not doing my job. The worse I got, the angrier I got at myself. It took me back to a time in my life that I really didn't want to revisit.
As most of you know, I was extremely overweight for much of my life.
But what you don't know is, before that, when I was in my late teens/early 20's, I was anorexic. I weighed well under 100 pounds. I had so many people around me that judged me. I began to feel that my weight was me. Like the only thing I had to offer was my outward appearance, that who I was on the inside was irrelevant.
It wasn't until I had children that I was able to push those demons to the back of my head. I had these amazing little beings that required my full attention, which I gladly gave to them. They are my heart, and what brings me true happiness in my life. Their laughter drowned out those voices in my head. A simple hug and "I love you Mommy" was all I needed.
Over the last few years, my kids have moved on to live their own lives. Which, of course, is what we all want for our children. But the empty nest hit me hard. I felt like I had no idea who I was.
But then I had you all. I love, love, LOVE creating new recipes, telling new stories, hearing from you all that you enjoy what I share in my little corner of the interwebs.
Getting sick, not only caused me to struggle with continuing my blogging, it has also caused me to gain back some of my weight. THAT has me freaked out. I have caught myself looking in the mirror and allowing those horrible voices to scream at me. Those things that people said to me all of those years ago began to play in my head on auto loop.
Then there it was, the self doubt. Where I had been feeling proud of myself for the things I accomplished, was replaced by the negative feelings. I began bashing myself over the head with all of the things I have not/was not accomplishing.
But I finally realized that I have got to snap out of it! The past is the past, it needs to stay there!
I realize that I not only have a daughter, but a granddaughter, that I never want to live like this. I want them to know that, your physical appearance it not who you are, that strength and confidence is much more attractive than being a size 2. I want them to see that you can make mistakes, fall on your face, but get back up, learn from those mistakes, and get better and better.
I think women today are really faced with unrealistic demands.
We feel that we must be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, have the perfect career, keep the perfect house. Be happy, uplift everyone around you. Don't dare to be demanding! Thinking of yourself, what you need, is selfish, and that is not acceptable.
I think that taking a step back, and allowing yourself to really feel, is what we all need to do.
Am I really happy?
What do I need?
Learn that loving yourself is the most important thing you can do. Those that truly love you will support you.
Those that want you to be something that they expect before they grace you with their attention, or love?
Ya, they need to get kicked to the curb.
I think that I will leave them there, along with that nasty little voice.
Much love to you all, make sure to love yourselves!!